Birth Control Tips with The Terminator (1984)

Hey, it's a great day to ignore March 3rd's protest of state-sanctioned rape! It's a bad year to have a uterus in most of the United states, but that is for one reason, and one reason alone. No, I know what you're thinking, Dear Reader, and the issue is not federal cuts to women's health providers like Planned Parenthood. It's not backward, hypocritical compromises in the government regarding health insurance coverage. Nor is it the recent congressional sausage party panel of "experts on women's health," none of whom have ever had vaginas. And it sure ain't the Republican campaign of misinformation, slut-shaming, and general promotion of sexual and gender-related ignorance at every opportunity.

The real problem here is that most women are forgetting is that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our most under-utilized form of birth control.

Let's go back in time, shall we?

It's 1984. You are a person of the female persuasion, single, perhaps working for shitty tips as a waitress in an off-brand Red Robin. I have good news for you! You do not have to worry about safe sex because a cybernetic organism in the form of an Austrian bodybuilder will appear naked in an alley, swathed in blue electricity, ready to address all of your birth control needs! In fact, you might say he's there to perform a pre-first-term abortion. Who needs the morning after pill? Arnold Schwarzenegger is the morning BEFORE pill.

Now I know what you're thinking: "But Jellybean, I've seen this movie. By the end of the movie, Sarah Connor is so pregnant that it looks like she has a watermelon under her dress! In fact, she has her kid BECAUSE the Governator went back in time to perform his innovative new form of birth control! The relationship between the Terminator and Sarah Connor's preganacy is practically CAUSAL!"

Well, Dear Reader, Sarah Connor may have had a kid, but the two Sarah Connors that the Governator visited before he got to her--THEY certainly won't be having any children. He was more than happy to sterilize them out of existence.

Which leads us to Birth Control with the Governator Tip #1: Try to have a common name, a land line, and make sure your listing is one of the first ones in the phone book. Trust me, your health concerns related to your lady-parts will be a distant dream.

Why use an IUD when a hail of bullets will do just fine? 

Birth Control with the Governator Tip #2: Choose your stalker wisely. The first half-hour of The Terminator is essentially a competition between two men trying to find, identify, and follow Sarah Connor. One of these, Kyle Reese, will become the love of Sarah Connor's life. And nothing enhances that tingly feeling of love-at-first-sight quite like these words: "Come with me if you want to live." Best. Pick-up line. Ever.

At the end of The Terminator, Sarah Connor is happy to explain of her dead tryst-mate that, "In the few hours we had together, we loved a lifetime's worth." Why was this relationship so fulfilling to Ms. Connor? The answer is communication. After she obeys her new boyfriend and gets in his stolen car, he seduces her with tender dialog: "Do exactly what I say. Exactly," he says, obviously paraphrasing Shakespeare's Sonnet #110, "Don't move unless I say. Don't make a sound unless I say."

Now ladies, don't be fooled by professions of love such as these.  Even when he follows them up by shouting, "Do you understand? Do you understand?" at you as if you are a deaf dog who just shit on the floor. If you fall for such proclamations of love, it will be all your fault when computers become sentient, initiating a future where human skulls will crack under the wheels of tanks and no one can wear colors other than gray and army green. I don't care how wet you get for, "Come with me if you want to live," ladies, keep that aspirin between your knees. Sarah Connor obviously chose the wrong stalker. If she had simply presented herself to Bachelor from the Future #2, her pesky Women's Health Issues would have been taken care of. Completely.

Now again, Dear Reader, you may have some questions. "But Jellybean, surely Sarah Connor's situation was unique; how can I apply to get my own Governator-style Health Care?" Well, just remember what Kyle Reese says: "They are living human tissue. They look human. Sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot." Don't you worry, Reader, because according to the timeline in The Terminator, there are cybernetic "birth control solutions" everywhere by now. And if you are currently pregnant, cheer up! According to the US Department of Justice, "pregnant women are more likely to be the victims of homicide than to die from any other cause." So if you are experiencing an unwanted pregnancy, the odds are really in your favor.

Birth Control with the Governator Tip #3: If you are biologically female, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TREAT THE BULLET WOUNDS OF A MALE. Regardless of your or his sexual orientation, this will inevitably lead to remarks about his neat scars, which, as we all know, is the #1 cause of unprotected sex. Which is why lady doctors and nurses are always so damn pregnant!

It's time that we insist our legislators keep first aid kits behind the counter, given how they inevitably lead to pregnancy. Band-Aids are dangerous. Cotton gauze? Might as well be selling rufies!

In fact, given this current birth control crisis, perhaps women should refrain from providing any sort of medical help to males, period.