Felon (2008): "It could happen to YOU, doughy white middle of the country!"

Whenever I find out about a Val Kilmer movie I haven't heard of before, even that damn FBI whodunit that I solved during the preview, I admit: I do get kind of a movie boner. While he does occasionally choose some unwatchably crappy roles, he has consistently made a standout movie every four or five years, for the past three decades. But friends. I am going to need more than a grain of salt for this one: I am going to need a truckload of coarse, snow-melting salt.

Felon (2008): lured me in with its killer cast of honkies (Kilmer, Stephen Dorff, Sam Shepard) and the appeal of Chris Rock in the obligatory I Do Serious Stuff role. The nature of the movie's setup, in which an adult white property-owning male goes to to jail for defending his family lends the film a smarmy, “It could HAPPEN to YOU, trembling doughy white guy,” vibe. I'm pretty sure that people of color and/or working class people in the Estas Unis are already familiar with the fact that it doesn't even take a violent offense like the one committed by Stephen Dorff's character in order to get irreversibly sucked into the Prison Industrial Complex. (In fact, Chris Rock had a great quote in the Times a few years back, in which he pointed out that the Prison Industrial Complex is a not-so-distant ancestor of slavery.)

So yeah. Thanks, movie: Prison is the times table where our culture multiplies its racial and class-based violence. Did you have anything else for us?

What can a movie set in this context possibly say other than Prison is Bad? Hell, Death Warrant (think Jean-Claude Van Damme at his tawdriest) said that, and I don't think they were particularly trying. In any case, I jotted down a few other possible things we can take away from Felon as I watched:

Just change the lettering on the jumpsuit, and BAM: Prison movie.

1. Chris Rock Can Break a Man? 

Nah, Oz pretty much proved that you can take Winston from Ghostbusters, put him in the right uniform, and he will convincingly play Gang Chess with the people trusted to his care. 

2. Staging Ultimate Fighting Matches in Prison is... Bad?

Ooh, daring move. Well played, movie.

3. Stephen Dorff does an inspired backward push-up? 

Ok, ever since Linda Hamilton rocked the incarcerated workout look from Terminator 2, I've been a fan of the art of confined athleticism. Yes, Stephen Dorf in “I worked with my trainer eight hours a day,” mode is moderately hot. But what, they made too many boxing movies that year? C'mon, movie. 

4. I'm Spartacus? 

Been there, done that.

5. Prison isn't Fun?

See above.

6. Let Val Kilmer be your Spirit Guide?

Not that he didn't play an interesting character, but I'll take Jim Morrison Val Kilmer or even the stripped-down ethos of Spartan Val Kilmer, if we're talking spirit guides who mete out interesting slogans the whole time.

As the movie closed into its last twenty minutes or so, I was ready for a riveting betrayal, or maybe an American History X-style tragedy. Sadly, the story lets the system and the powers that be off the hook, opting instead for a kinder, gentler prison movie. Ultimately the message was (and how to put this delicately?) “It could happen to YOU, trembling white male doughy center of the Estas Unis, but don't worry, because unlike the majority of incarcerated people, when we tell your story, it will be a hero's journey.”

While it was fun to watch Stephen Dorff and Val Kilmer Define Their Masculinity Together in the Cruel, Cruel World, at this point, if you're going to make a movie about prison, PLEASE do some creative or political work. There is just too much racism and rape and capitalism in prisons today to squander another prison set on the same tired bullshit. Seriously, Hollywood, next time you've got a couple million lying around that you want to blow on a prison movie, come to me first. We could put it directly into any number of legitimate and brilliant and struggling nonprofits that address any of the nuances you want to darlingly “expose,” (and many of the ones you don't dare touch).

Verdict: If I want a feel-good prison movie, I'll watch Shawshank Redemption (but probably I won't). If I want pure candy prison action, I'll go back to Death Warrant and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme kill that Aryan maniac three times in one fight. If I want a good “expose the system” humanizing drama, I'll watch Sleepers. If I want to be informed about the horrible conditions of prisons in the US, and the larger issues of the prison industry, I'll watch any of the 200 English-language documentaries that discuss these things. Felon tried to do a little of all of these things, and wound up doing none. Moderately interesting characters notwithstanding, I sentence it to life in the annals of mediocre film history.